The very thought of you makes my heart sing,
Like an April breeze on the wings of spring,
And you appear in all your splendor,
My one and only love.
It never became easy again since the day I found out about his promotion. I honestly do not know if I've already healed. Maybe not yet since at the back of my mind I know it's still there haunting me. Sometimes, I find myself still pondering about it. I guess my pride took a big unfamiliar blow from everything that transpired in those hell weeks. My insecurities resurfaced, it seemed like all that I've done up until that moment to build my confidence crashed right before my eyes. Since then I started to notice more and became more sensitive to not just his advancements, other people's advancements, making me feel I'm being left behind. From time to time I try to rebuild my resolve. It does come up, the problem lies on sustaining it. I found a new resolve yesterday, I know it's probably just superficial, but it is a resolve I can hold on to for a while just to keep going. However, I don't know why it had to come crashing down -again, by her words.
I got home from a dinner with my friends since one of them will be leaving for abroad. When I told this to my mom she didn't hide her envy, asked where my friend is working, asked why I don't have the same opportunity, asked what am I doing in my job anyway, asked what my course is and commented that I can go to other countries and pursue it there. Told me she has high expectations for me and my brother to be able to get a promising job. Told me I didn't try hard enough, why didn't I study other things to get me farther from where I am today. Told me that I didn't try hard enough. It didn't help that our discussion inside the car with my friends before I was dropped off was about my work, if I have plans of leaving or if there's anything I'm waiting for that would probably be the reason for me to be "overstaying".
In the past, my reason was, well... I'm happy, with my work, the people in my workplace. But you see, after being disliked by your very own supervisor, after taking that mental and emotional blow last anniv. promotion (btw, that too happened after I found the resolve and had a discussion that we have to work together for a good improvement of my career despite and inspite of my own hesitations and other things in my mind, after I thought he's finally taking my career growth seriously, well that was the deposit part and eventually he withdrew much more than that deposit and my very own reserves.), now I can't say straight out if I'm still happy here or not..
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